Notice how I’ve titled this blog post: I didn’t ask, How do we help children think for themselves? I certainly didn’t ask, How do we make children think for themselves? Children can think for themselves, and they like thinking for themselves! Oftentimes, the adults just need to get out of the way. That being said, there are some attitudes that we can embrace that create an atmosphere where free thinking is encouraged in the youngest among us.

After all, as Unitarian Universalists, we value the worth and dignity of every person and the free and responsible search for truth and meaning. Shouldn’t we extend these rights to children too? 

Let’s explore how we can create an optimal environment for free thinking, and I’ll introduce you to some of my favorite psychologists and educators along the way. I don’t pretend to be an expert on any of their ideas — but they’ve made a big difference in how I view my role as a teacher, a parent, and a religious education specialist.

Attachment and Connection

This is the foundation. Without a secure attachment to another human being, nothing will happen. I opened by saying that we needed to get out of the way to let our children be free thinkers. But it’s actually really important that children have adults in their lives who provide psychological safety.

One of my favorite living psychologists is Scott Barry Kaufman. His latest book, Transcend: The New Science of Self-Actualization, reimagines Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Yes, food and shelter are essential for literally surviving, but we cannot become our best selves, or self-actualize, without connection too. Kaufman says:

The need for connection is most likely to be satisfied when we have secure, stable, and intimate connections with at least a few people in our lives. When we feel secure and satisfied in our relationships, we are much more likely to develop a stable sense of self-worth and mastery.

Scott Barry Kaufman

Connection, not coercion, enables children to be secure enough to think for themselves. And when we have a high-quality, mutually beneficial connection with our children, it’s only natural to want to lavish them with praise. 

Praise for Process over Person

Being praised feels good! We like to hear, “Nice job!” or “You’re so brilliant!” Don’t these phrases strengthen your connection to your children and help them gain self-esteem? Not really. Kaufman says that “a healthy self-esteem is an outcome of genuine accomplishment and intimate connection with others.” Vague praise or praise for fixed traits can actually be detrimental, and psychology professor Carol Dweck’s work on growth mindset helps us understand why we need to pay attention to what we praise. 

In a 2010 American Psychological Association article she published with Carol Dwyer and Heather Carlson-Jaquez, she provides some helpful Do’s and Don’ts for teachers in a classroom, but the same principles apply to parents, grandparents and caregivers at home:

Do:

• Notice students’ good efforts and strategies and praise them.
• Be specific about the praised behaviors and reinforce this behavior with your feedback.
• Talk explicitly and in detail about the strategies a student has used. Comment on which strategies were helpful and which were not.

Don’t:

• Offer praise for trivial accomplishments or weak efforts. 
• Don’t ever say, “You are so smart.” in response to good work. Instead, praise the work a student has done (e.g., “Your argument is very clear.”).
• Comfort students following a failure by telling them that not everyone can be good at everything. 

Providing positive feedback on our children’s efforts and strategies helps them reflect on their own mastery and develop the growth mindset that is necessary for free thinking. When children believe that their intelligence is not fixed, they are resilient in the face of challenges and seek to find novel solutions. 

Play is the Work of Children

According to a blog entry on the Fred Rogers Center website, Mr. Rogers said, “Play is often talked about as if it were a relief from serious learning. But for children, play is serious learning.” 

Mr. Rogers was likely familiar with the studies Jen Piaget and Lev Vygotsky conducted in the 1960’s and 70’s, and with the earlier work of progressive educator Maria Montessori. Whether you’re conducting an academic study, hosting a public television show with puppets, or just watching children play at the park, you can’t deny that children are most keen to face challenges and find novel solutions — thereby developing a growth mindset — when they are engaged in play. 

Another proponent of play is the late Sir Ken Robinson. He has some amazing TED talks on creativity and the unfortunate industrialization of learning, but about the topic of play — outdoor play in particular — he echoed Mr. Rogers when he said:

Play is a highly beneficial and deeply natural way in which kids learn. Play has deeply important roles in the development of intellectual skills, in social skills, in developing empathy, in stretching our imaginations and exploring our creativity.

Sir Ken Robinson

So let’s play with our children to connect with them, to allow them to face challenges and develop resiliency, and to move forward in becoming autonomous individuals. 

Autonomy and Self-Actualization 

With healthy connections, productive praise, and ample opportunities for play, our children are primed to think for themselves. Let them make their own decisions — intellectual and otherwise — because they are capable. 

William Stixrud and Ned Johnson explore this idea in their book The Self-Driven Child. In a 2018 interview with NPR, Stixrud clarifies the title:

I think that the self-driven child is driven by internal motivation as opposed to other people’s expectations, rewards, insecurity or fear. To be self-driven, kids need to have a sense of control over their own lives and are energetic about directing their lives in the direction they want to go…I start with the assumption that kids have a brain in their head and they want lives to work. They want to do well. That’s why we want to change the energy, so the energy is coming from the kid seeking help from us rather than us trying to boss the kid, sending the message, “You can’t do this on your own.” 

William Stixrud

It’s this kind of trust in children that allows them to be autonomous, to self-actualize into free thinkers who do not succumb to extremist thinking and who contribute to a world that is safe and liberated. Let’s get out of the way to make this happen.

Questions? Contact Stephanie Gronholz at re@uuspokane.org.